Creep- Chapter 3

The waking world returned to Creep in a blinding flash of light like some divine revelation. He put his hand over his eyes, trying to protect them from the brilliance. For a short while his entire world was light, a sharp contrast from the night before. But the light did fade, and Creep saw where he was.

He was on a bed, sans all of his clothes and his last gun. The gun he missed more than the clothes; he could always fight naked and if he was going to freeze he could kill someone and take their coat. But the absence of the gun made him feel more naked than his lack of clothing. Finding it again would be his top priority.

Someone had brought him inside. The bed he was on was in a spacious extravagant room, with silks draped everywhere and the aroma of perfume hovering in the air. Jasmine and myrrh, that was what filled his nose now. It was better than the sewer. But where was it?

Creep tried to get up to begin looking for his gun, but his side exploded into pain and he collapsed back on the bed. A grimace crossed his face and he put a hand to the rib he had broken in last night’s subterranean scuffle. Another surge of pain told him that he wasn’t going anywhere soon. The pain combined with a new anxiety that he would be discovered, that he would be connected with his actions of last night and be handed over to the cops. That could not happen. It was out of the question.

There was the creaking turn of a doorknob, a sound that seemed to last for an eternity. Creep shook and began to look around himself, searching desperately for some way out of this. His body shook now, both from his nervousness and the pain which still did not want to leave him alone.

“What’s the matter?” asked a smooth voice that traveled through the silks and scents like an entrancing spirit. Its very nature made Creep turn towards it. Across the room, closing the door that led to who knew where else, was a strange and alluring creature. It appeared to be a werecat, a very beautiful one, dressed only in a short dress. What parts of her body could be seen were covered in soft grey fur. Her tail twitched as she put a key into the door and locked it behind her. Creep remembered his nakedness and covered himself up as best he could. The werecat turned to him and gave a little snort.

“I would cover that up if I was you too,” she said as she stalked across the room towards him. “It is embarrassing.”

Her words made blood flow to Creep’s cheeks and he got hot around the neck. In the end he could offer up no response to her, but simply reached out for a sheet and pulled it over himself. The werecat sauntered over to him, her alien eyes looking him up and down.

“So you’re the creep that shot up the party?” she asked. “Huh, didn’t expect you would be a kid.”

She’d gotten his name purely by chance, perhaps. His actions had been those of a creep. He supposed that the news of what had happened at the party would have gotten around by now, there was no denying that. But what Creep could not figure out was how she knew he was a kid. Then he put his hand to his face. The bandages, the black strips that had been wrapped so tight to conceal the very thing she now knew, were gone.

“If you’re wondering about your mummy mask, I got rid of it,” the werecat said. “We’re the only ones in this house who wear masks.”

A reaction was still beyond Creep. Was there anything that he could do? His body was too battered to allow him to flee anywhere.

“Are-are you going to turn me in?” he asked, his voice faltering a little.

The werecat shook her head. “Oh, gosh no,” she said, waving a pawed hand at him. “Do you think I give a damn what happens to the uptights? So long as you don’t kill enough of them to affect my business I’m alright with it. Fill em with bullets, they’ll fill my pockets in their grief.”

The werecat’s response confused Creep. “Where am I?” he asked.

“Empyrean Heights,” the werecat said. “I don’t mean to brag, of course that means I do, but we’re the best burlesque show and whorehouse in the entire city. I’m Concetta Lucca. I run the place.” She stared hard at Creep. He almost could feel his head hurting from her gaze. “And what’s your name, kid?”

“Creep,” he replied.

Concetta stared at him perplexed. “You must have gotten bumped on the head. Or else your parents were teetering idiots when they named you.”

Creep shook his head. “That’s what I-I call myself,” he said.

“Hm. Fitting enough,” Concetta said. She got up and walked over across the room, pushing aside the hanging silks with one hand. “Especially considering what they were saying about you. Though, you don’t appear to be the kind of individual who’d kill an entire room of people.”

Creep only faintly heard her words. In his mind he was already back at last nights party, still running and shooting. He could see the gun flashes in his head, see the pretty people and the creatures falling dead, could hear his laughter still echoing in the halls of his brain. A cold feeling cut right down to his bones, though he didn’t quite know why. His stomach began to churn as he remembered the way he had mowed down all of them, a smile plastered across his bandaged face. He leaned over to one side, and was about to ask Concetta for a bucket or something, when he lost it. Puke went everywhere, all over the silk sheets, on some of the hanging silk, and onto the wooden floor.

Concetta turned around and sighed in frustration. “I swear, men can’t keep anything down,” she said as she walked over. “And you boys are no better, cause you think you’re men, and you drink more than men can.”

“I…I’m not drunk,” Creep said as Concetta grabbed a towel from a nearby rack.

“Yes, I’m sure that’s…” she began to say as she wiped him up. Something caught her attention as she began to sniff the air. Then she wrinkled her nose. “Well, as unpleasant as you do smell, there isn’t any drink in that scent. So what happened? Your little escapade too much for you?”

Creep just shook. He didn’t want this. This was worse than having the police turned in. All of his pride screamed out against this. He would rather be taken to the police, rather be beaten and thrown in some dirty jail cell. This, being treated like a baby by some whorehouse madam, it was pitiful, almost as pitiful as his inability to handle what he had done the night before. He needed to be able to kill without remorse, and he needed to be able to do it again. His work in the city was far from over.

“Hold still, kid,” Concetta said as she wiped up where Creep had puked on himself. “I swear, you’re worse than a nursing cub.”

Creep tried to push her away. “I’m fine,” he said.

“Like hell you are,” Concetta said as she ignored him and continued with her work. “You’ve gone and bitten off more than you could chew, and in more ways that one I might add. What got you all torn up? Did you find a gator in the sewers?”

At another time, when he was not around her at all, perhaps, Creep might have appreciated the irony of Concetta’s remark. However, all he could say was, “No, it was bigger. Some dragon thing.”

Concetta nodded. “Sure it was honey. And I’ll bet he was laying on a mound of gold and everything too.”

Creep tried to ignore the sarcasm and her babying. But she would have none of it, and kept after him even when he tried to turn over. Finally, she drew away.

ind

“I’ll help you up in a bit,” she said. “There’s no use in you laying in your own filth all day. One of the girls will clean up the floor.”

“Where’s my gun?” Creep asked.

“Do you think I’m letting you, a dangerous murderer, have a gun?” Concetta asked. “I’m not giving it back to you until I know you aren’t blowing my head off when I turn my back.”

“Well then, where are my clothes?” Creep asked.

“Being washed,” Concetta said. “And they’ll stay that way for a while. Bast knows that sewer smell clings to everything, especially if it’s soaked in.”

“Do you have anything to wear?” Creep asked.

“Unless you’ve got a kinky streak and fancy a corset or the like, nope,” Concetta said. “You’re stuck in your skin for a while, little boy.”

Creep’s face grew red again. “Why are you doing this?” he asked.

Concetta reached out and stroked Creep’s face. He trembled, and a little smirk crossed her face. “I’ve got my reasons,” she said. “You’ll have to be content with that. I won’t turn you in, even if you do more killing, but I will want certain things from you. Alright, boy?”

Being called boy did nothing for Creep’s pride. He considered simply turning away from her, but he knew that would only prove her point. So he just stared ahead, embarrassment rather than rage running through him. Concetta laughed and stalked away from him, humming some generic speakeasy tune as she sashayed back to the door. With fluid movements she left the room and locked it behind her, leaving Creep alone.

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User avatar
Galerius
Review

Conrad Rice wrote:The waking world returned to Creep in a blinding flash of light like some divine revelation. He put his hand over his eyes, trying to protect them from the brilliance. For a short while his entire world was light, a sharp contrast from the night before. But the light did fade, and Creep saw where he was.


Don't use similes unless they mean anything. "Divine revelation" seems to have no point to it, unless you are going to use that image or its connotations elsewhere in the chapter - and after reading your story once, I don't see any hint of that. So take it out.

He was on a bed, sans all of his clothes and his last gun. The gun he missed more than the clothes; he could always fight naked and if he was going to freeze he could kill someone and take their coat. But the absence of the gun made him feel more naked than his lack of clothing. Finding it again would be his top priority.


After an initial read of the chapter, this attitude of Creep's seems woefully mismatched with his later, incredibly passive outlook on the situation. How can you make him "Argh, I'm gonna kill an innocent guy to take his coat!" and then later refrain him from murdering the brothel owner for her impudence? If he is this morally flexible, he should not have an inherent..."respect"...for her, which seems to be the undercurrent because of the way he behaves towards her.

Someone had brought him inside. The bed he was on was in a spacious extravagant room, with silks draped everywhere and the aroma of perfume hovering in the air. Jasmine and myrrh, that was what filled his nose now. It was better than the sewer. But where was it?


If you are going to ask a reflective question like you did at the end of this paragraph, then you had better answer it, or at least attempt to answer it, sometime. Creep does not do this, and immediately forgets about it as soon as he starts looking for his gun. I don't see why you even included this question in the first place.

Creep tried to get up to begin looking for his gun, but his side exploded into pain and he collapsed back on the bed. A grimace crossed his face and he put a hand to the rib he had broken in last night’s subterranean scuffle. Another surge of pain told him that he wasn’t going anywhere soon. The pain combined with a new anxiety that he would be discovered, that he would be connected with his actions of last night and be handed over to the cops. That could not happen. It was out of the question.


How did he know that the scuffle was last night? Is there a clock or calendar somewhere in the room?

"The pain combined with a new anxiety" is used in passive format. That's usually not good and I'd change it to active format. "Pain collided abruptly with anxiety..."

Hmm.

I'm not going to critique the rest of this line-by-line because I do not think there is enough to critique; it's very good. Concetta is done with mystery, elusiveness, and therefore charm, that one would expect to see in a street-raised brothel owner. Her witty comments are original, which is admirable because most people who try to write a character as the "gritty, witty" type always end up using cliches for jokes.

There is one major problem, however, and I actually touched upon it earlier in this review. Creep has turned into a spineless wimp.. What happened to that ferocious hitman who would murder dozens and then laugh? Who would run from the cops with impunity and fight a dragon underneath the sewers? Who would think so callously of killing someone for his coat? Creep has undergone such a sharp change that it's unbearably unreasonable. Look at this; he's been reduced to lines like:

"That’s what I-I call myself".

Really. It's really disappointing what a personality deceleration Creep's been subjected to. Just because he was knocked out for a while doesn't mean he should be completely passive and disoriented, like you have him be for pretty much the whole chapter. He should be on his feet, grabbing the nearest blunt object as a weapon while bearing the pain, and threatening the Concetta. Maybe she can subdue him later, I don't know. What I do know is that the old Creep was infinitely better.

EDIT: And I just realized that I basically rephrased Kylan's main complaint. I feel stupid.

Still, overall, this story was good compared to the first two chapters (especially the first chapter!). I'm looking forward to the next installment.

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Kylan
Review
Kylan wrote a review · Fri Dec 05, 2008 3:41 am

Conrad -

Very nice. Definately a chapter with some awesome dialogue and characterization. Concetta is suberbly written.

[when secondary characters attack!]

However, because Concetta is such a strong force in this story, she mutes Creep's character drastically. Here, where you had a chance to give Creep some actual downtime characterization, you piled all the good lines onto Concetta and left Creep sniveling in his bedsheets. I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, but this sure as heck isn't the Creep we've come to know and love. It's as if you've switched his personality 90 degrees, from tough psyco to puking toddler. And I don't like it. What happened to all the gung ho? What happened to the insanity? What happened to the hater of the Enchanted?

He's a lucky guy, though. Stuck in a whorehouse with not a thing to wear.

Anyway, definately the best chapter, but it has it's flaws. Namely: characterization. Where is it?

-Kylan

User avatar
JabberHut
Review

Hi, Connie!

Sorry for the late review. The past few days have been... weird. If I explained it here, it would be worth 50 points and I wouldn't even have to review this. So. Onward!

Grammar and First Impressions

He was on a bed, sans all of his clothes and his last gun. The gun he missed more than the clothes; he could always fight naked and if he was going to freeze he could kill someone and take their coat. But the absence of the gun made him feel more naked than his lack of clothing. Finding it again would be his top priority.

[s]Someone had brought him inside[/s]. The bed he was on was in a spacious, extravagant room, [no comma] with silks draped everywhere and the aroma of perfume hovering in the air. Jasmine and myrrh, [dash instead] that was what filled his nose now. It was better than the sewer. But where was it?


I suggest deleting the second bolded part not only to avoid the repetition but because it would be more affective to say that he was in this spacious room. Hard to explain. It's completely up to you, though.

The italicized sentence is really weird. It's just... weird. xD I suggest rewriting that baby. ^_^

“I would cover that up if I was you too,” she said as she stalked across the room towards him. “It is embarrassing.”

Her words made blood flow to Creep’s cheeks and he got hot around the neck. In the end he could offer up no response to her, but simply reached out for a sheet and pulled it over himself. The werecat sauntered over to him, her alien eyes looking him up and down.


Repeated the same action. Choose one spot. ^_^

The bandages, the black strips that had been wrapped so tight to conceal the very thing she now knew, were gone.

“If you’re wondering about your mummy mask, I got rid of it,” the werecat said. “We’re the only ones in this house who wear masks.”


Maybe it's just me misreading the first chapter, but I didn't know he had bandages on his face. xD

She got up and walked over across the room, pushing aside the hanging silks with one hand.


I didn't know she was sitting. ^^

In his mind he was already back at last [s]nights[/s] night's party, still running and shooting.


Concetta turned around and sighed in frustration. “I swear, men can’t keep anything down,” she said as she walked over.


LOL

Creep just shook. He didn’t want this. This was worse than having the police turned in. All of his pride screamed out against this. He would rather be taken to the police, rather be beaten and thrown in some dirty jail cell. This, being treated like a baby by some whorehouse madam, [dash or period instead] it was pitiful, almost as pitiful as his inability to handle what he had done the night before. He needed to be able to kill without remorse, and he needed to be able to do it again. His work in the city was far from over.


The underlined sentence is interesting. If the police were... bad, wouldn't that be good? Or looking at how police are supposed to catch the bad guys, shouldn't it be worse than having been turned in to the police? Unless this is supposed to confuse me. xD It doesn't really fit with the sentence after the next. [He would rather be taken to the police...]

“You’ve gone and bitten off more than you could chew, and in more ways [s]that[/s] than one I might add.


Concetta nodded. “Sure it was, honey. And I’ll bet he was laying on a mound of gold and everything too.”


This chick's great. XD

ind


I hope you didn't leave out a paragraph or anything. oO

Overall, I'm Thinking...

This was very good! I really like Concetta. xD She says the right things at the right time. Epic. I also think we see a different side to Creep, which is good. We see a weakness beneath his strong, crazy side. This chapter was overall goodness when it comes to character development and such. And I find it very funny he ended up in a whorehouse. XD I did not see that coming. Genius.

Tchu, tchu, tchu... Let's see... I saw no real problems with this. There were no action scenes that went to fast or anything to pick at. It was all dialogue, really. It was interesting. I would have to say that chapter one was my favorite, though. Overall. Probably because I thought the action was really cool. xD This was a good break from it all, of course. It was a good chapter to help move things along and get to know the character [especially the latter here].

Any questions, etc., find me. ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

User avatar
Clo
Review
Clo wrote a review · Wed Dec 03, 2008 4:43 am

Connie, my schnookums! I have read Jigs' and Jared's reviews so I, also, am expecting something as great as Horus here! Hehe! This is what we call prejudice, but I am prejudging that this will be fantastic. Let us see if it is so... unfortunately, I review as I read and then do an overall, so no immediate popping eyeballs from me.

The gun he missed more than the clothes; he could always fight naked and if he was going to freeze he could kill someone and take their coat. But the absence of the gun made him feel more naked than his lack of clothing.

Though these sentences are saying different things, I feel like they are structured way too similarly considering they're so close to each other in the paragraph. Anyway, it had a sort of repetitive sound to it... so maybe you could rephrase it the latter bolded sentence.

Her words made blood flow to Creep’s cheeks and he got hot around the neck.

Ahaha, murderer is blushing.

Okay. This was, in all honesty, the very best chapter so far. As to why - well, I would say because we were allowed to know how Creep feels about what's happened and what he did. Even his retrospect on killing at the party was thrilling, and it made me wish I could have seen these sort of thoughts, people falling like bowling pins, when he was on his murderous rampage. It's just thrilling to see from the eyes of a killer, and not be told the killer's actions. Being able to connect with Creep is what made this chapter great - because Creep is a great character and we want to connect with him.

Also, Concetta made this great as well. She's just a savvy, sarcastic and intelligent character and so I love her and many will love her. Her dialogue definitely whipped up the story from killings and sewers to the witticisms of the brothel queen - which is just an enjoyable turn, contrast is always a thrill, or so I think.

Another thing I feel I should say is that the first two chapters were just the beginning, and beginnings gradually rise to the true actions of the story. So it's not truly awful that people didn't dig what was going on right away, because people need to be convinced as the story goes on that this is something they should dig, and you gave people enough reason to keep reading - and that's what mattered. This is the first draft - you have a foundation, and you can edit it and make it even better after you have everything written. That is the beauty of editing - I love it, haha, though it may scare you. But this is not a story to lose hope with, and the beginning that we reviewers tore apart so much can easily be added upon.

You're the bee's knees, Connie!

~ Clo

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BigBadBear
Review

Hey, Connie! I read through Jig's comments before I read the chapter, so I'm expecting something brilliant. :D

O.O

That was probably the best chapter I've ever read by you. I'm not joking here. This was incredible. I have absolutely no critiques for this chapter. Although, I do have something to say.

Concetta. Holy hell, she was fantastic. I'm serious. Her dialog fit her just perfectly. I could picture her in my head. Everything went just as it should. She is a really great character--I'm glad you are using her to your advantage.

I would go so far as to say that it might even work as a better first chapter - better hook, better characterisation, better characters in general.


Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I totally agree. This should be the first chapter. You have summarized what has previously happened in this chapter and it all works much, much better. If I were you (I know it's a bit said and all), I would ditch the first two chapters and begin with this, because this is OUTSTANDING writing. I can't believe it!

You have me hooked, my friend.

-Jared

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Jiggity
Review
Jiggity wrote a review · Wed Dec 03, 2008 1:55 am

Holy Good Chapter, Batman!

Dude, finally, this trumps the other two easily. In fact, I would ditch the other two, this is much better stuff.

like some divine revelation


ugh. Not only is it a bad simile, in my estimation, its not necessary at that point.

[s]The bed[/s] he was on was in a spacious extravagant room, with silks draped everywhere and the aroma of perfume hovering in the air


He was in a spacious, extravagant room, draped in silks and the aroma of perfume.

Cleaner, no? Don't overwrite. Keep it simple. You do it well for the most part, in this chapter.

But where was it?


I feel like that should be 'he'. A more natural question to ask. 'But where was he?'

Creep tried to get up [s]to begin looking for his gun,[/s] but his side exploded into pain and he collapsed back on the bed.


What did I say about overwriting? Gr. You don't need to describe every action or every intention-to-act either.

Creep shook and began to look around himself, searching desperately for some way out of this


begin to, began to - most times, very icky. Goes back to that whole intention-to-act thing. Just tell us what he's doing, forget whether he's just begun, is half-way through, about to finish, etc.

So long as you don’t kill enough of them to affect my business, I’m alright with it.


comma

“I don’t mean to brag - and of course that means I do - but we’re the best burlesque show and whorehouse in the entire city. I’m Concetta Lucca. I run the place.”


This is really just a nit-picky, format thing but to signal that she's interrupting herself, dashes would be better placed then comma's.

His stomach began to churn


aha! Again! His stomach churned, okay? Sheesh.

*

So, as I was saying before, this is a much better chapter then the previous two. I would go so far as to say that it might even work as a better first chapter - better hook, better characterisation, better characters in general. Good to know you're improving, at least when there's no action involved, ha. Hopefully you won't have scared everyone off with those prior chapters.

Good stuff.

Cheers



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